People. Seriously. When I honk at you 8 times to get your car out of the middle of the grocery store parking lot aisle, because you're just sitting there texting... GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY! Don't ignore the honks from me and everyone else and keep texting as other people eek past and give you the stink eye.
Don't roll your eyes at me as I stop right next to you and yell, "Move, idiot!" through your open window, after I've had to carefully maneuver around your car, narrowly missing the rear of another car who is trying to get past you.
You're inconsiderate, selfish, rude, obnoxious, and all those other adjectives that describe douchebags like you. Put your damn phone down and drive.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
People I'd Like to Bitchslap: Part 1
Pageant Moms- WTF is wrong with you?
Do you realize what your precious daughters are being judged by? By their "beauty", which is stupid; toddlers and young girls aren't supposed to be "beautiful", they're supposed to be cute or adorable.
To make them beautiful, the kids are waxed, buffed, tweezed, botoxed, and made to look as fake as possible. It's all about how much makeup they're wearing, how big their hair is, the "sparklyness" of the adult-style clothes they wear, how white their teeth are, and so on...
Some of you moms even have your little kids wear padded bras to make their "boobs" look bigger. It's ridiculous. You pageant moms are almost condoning attraction to children by dressing your innocent little darlings up to look like hookers. I'd like to bitchslap every single one of you and show you photographs of little girls who have been raped or murdered by child molesters.
Kids are not meant to look sexy. By turning them into raving lunatics who think they have to dress up like sexpots to be liked or well-judged, you are turning your little angelic daughters into narcissistic, shallow little shits who will never understand the meaning of the word "real".
To hell with you all for damaging your kids this way.
Do you realize what your precious daughters are being judged by? By their "beauty", which is stupid; toddlers and young girls aren't supposed to be "beautiful", they're supposed to be cute or adorable.
To make them beautiful, the kids are waxed, buffed, tweezed, botoxed, and made to look as fake as possible. It's all about how much makeup they're wearing, how big their hair is, the "sparklyness" of the adult-style clothes they wear, how white their teeth are, and so on...
Some of you moms even have your little kids wear padded bras to make their "boobs" look bigger. It's ridiculous. You pageant moms are almost condoning attraction to children by dressing your innocent little darlings up to look like hookers. I'd like to bitchslap every single one of you and show you photographs of little girls who have been raped or murdered by child molesters.
Kids are not meant to look sexy. By turning them into raving lunatics who think they have to dress up like sexpots to be liked or well-judged, you are turning your little angelic daughters into narcissistic, shallow little shits who will never understand the meaning of the word "real".
To hell with you all for damaging your kids this way.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Ban the World [Explicit]
WARNING: This post contains offensive language and offensive ideas. If you're a normal freaking human being, then read on. If you are otherwise, run away from this horrible page and go play solitaire.
I think everyone has gone a little "ban happy". Talk of banning things has really gotten out of control. And instead of banning IMPORTANT things by imposing harsher laws, (for murderers, rapists and scumsucking pedophiles for example), people talk about banning insignificant things like gay marriage, public breastfeeding and the like.
Let's just ban everything that offends someone, shall we? Aside from banning racial slurs and gay slurs and douchebags from sagging their pants to show off their "not so tidey-whities", let's ban classic literature because it has a few offensive words in it. Let's ban child spankings. Let's ban EVER mentioning the word God in public in any form. Let's also ban Heaven, Hell, Allah, Jesus, Muhammed, Christian, Mormon, Catholic, Jew, Muslim, Atheist, etc... You are no longer allowed to use those words. Ever.
Let's ban male ear piercing and males with long hair and males with fingernail polish or eyeliner. Let's ban tattoos and any form of body piercing except the ears. Let's ban boys from playing with barbies and girls from playing with trucks. Let's ban porn.
Let's ban EVERY TV show (because every single show has something in it that could possibly offend at least 1 person). Let's ban every book with smut in it or any book that mentions witchcraft or anything out of the fantasy realm. Screw it, just ban EVERY book!
Let's ban everyone from using homeopathic medicine. Let's ban everyone from using alopathic medicine. Screw it, let's just ban EVERY form of medicine! Let's ban everyone from using words aside from vagina and penis to refer to genitalia. That's it, if you say "cock", you go to jail. Personally, I think "vagina" sounds like a slimy thing riddled with disease, so I don't have one.
Let's ban hardcore veganism and let's also ban those Godawful, abusive eaters of meat. From now on, everyone will eat scientifically prepared, nutritious but flavorless cardboard.
Let's ban every possible thing that could offend someone.
And just for shits and giggles, YOU'RE banned from being in my presence now, because I'm sure there's SOMETHING about you that I don't like. If you've got a problem with that, then tough shit, because apparently, this is America the Banned instead of America the Free. And the Home of the Brave? Screw you, brave people are banned too.
I think everyone has gone a little "ban happy". Talk of banning things has really gotten out of control. And instead of banning IMPORTANT things by imposing harsher laws, (for murderers, rapists and scumsucking pedophiles for example), people talk about banning insignificant things like gay marriage, public breastfeeding and the like.
Let's just ban everything that offends someone, shall we? Aside from banning racial slurs and gay slurs and douchebags from sagging their pants to show off their "not so tidey-whities", let's ban classic literature because it has a few offensive words in it. Let's ban child spankings. Let's ban EVER mentioning the word God in public in any form. Let's also ban Heaven, Hell, Allah, Jesus, Muhammed, Christian, Mormon, Catholic, Jew, Muslim, Atheist, etc... You are no longer allowed to use those words. Ever.
Let's ban male ear piercing and males with long hair and males with fingernail polish or eyeliner. Let's ban tattoos and any form of body piercing except the ears. Let's ban boys from playing with barbies and girls from playing with trucks. Let's ban porn.
Let's ban EVERY TV show (because every single show has something in it that could possibly offend at least 1 person). Let's ban every book with smut in it or any book that mentions witchcraft or anything out of the fantasy realm. Screw it, just ban EVERY book!
Let's ban everyone from using homeopathic medicine. Let's ban everyone from using alopathic medicine. Screw it, let's just ban EVERY form of medicine! Let's ban everyone from using words aside from vagina and penis to refer to genitalia. That's it, if you say "cock", you go to jail. Personally, I think "vagina" sounds like a slimy thing riddled with disease, so I don't have one.
Let's ban hardcore veganism and let's also ban those Godawful, abusive eaters of meat. From now on, everyone will eat scientifically prepared, nutritious but flavorless cardboard.
Let's ban every possible thing that could offend someone.
And just for shits and giggles, YOU'RE banned from being in my presence now, because I'm sure there's SOMETHING about you that I don't like. If you've got a problem with that, then tough shit, because apparently, this is America the Banned instead of America the Free. And the Home of the Brave? Screw you, brave people are banned too.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The Jerk Drawer
For a dear family member of mine who requested it:
What's the deal with some people? What makes some people such flakes? How is it that you can be there for someone day in, day out, but when YOU need a helping hand, that person is nowhere to be found?
Friendship goes BOTH ways, people! It's not fair for you to receive or even expect help from a friend multiple times and then flake out on that friend when the situation is reversed. REAL friends don't do that!
It's not cool for your friends to do you favor, after favor, after favor, but you never do anything in return. If you duck out on a friend when they really need you, that rips you off the friend shelf and throws you in the jerk drawer.
You don't want to see what the jerk drawer looks like- it's not pretty. So don't jump off the friend shelf. Quit acting like such a jerk, before your friends begin to think you really ARE one.
What's the deal with some people? What makes some people such flakes? How is it that you can be there for someone day in, day out, but when YOU need a helping hand, that person is nowhere to be found?
Friendship goes BOTH ways, people! It's not fair for you to receive or even expect help from a friend multiple times and then flake out on that friend when the situation is reversed. REAL friends don't do that!
It's not cool for your friends to do you favor, after favor, after favor, but you never do anything in return. If you duck out on a friend when they really need you, that rips you off the friend shelf and throws you in the jerk drawer.
You don't want to see what the jerk drawer looks like- it's not pretty. So don't jump off the friend shelf. Quit acting like such a jerk, before your friends begin to think you really ARE one.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Don't Ask
You know something I really hate? When a person asks for my opinion, then yells at me for it. We've all got opinions on different subjects, and it just so happens that my opinion is different than yours. SUE ME. I'm so sick of someone asking "What do you think about blah blah blah?" and then bitching me out or trying to shame me because I answer honestly.
No, I don't have the same opinion as you. Yeah, my opinion may sound a little harsh or blunt. Yeah, I may sound like I'm a little short on sympathy right now. No, I don't give the "popular" opinion with the rest of the sheep, to keep from offending someone. But you know what? YOU ASKED! If you can't take a truthful opinion without getting all pissy, then don't freakin' ask!
No, I don't have the same opinion as you. Yeah, my opinion may sound a little harsh or blunt. Yeah, I may sound like I'm a little short on sympathy right now. No, I don't give the "popular" opinion with the rest of the sheep, to keep from offending someone. But you know what? YOU ASKED! If you can't take a truthful opinion without getting all pissy, then don't freakin' ask!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Breastfeeding Rocks!
So... you think nursing mothers should breastfeed in the bathroom? Gross! Do you want to eat your dinner in the bathroom? Why do you have such a problem with mothers breastfeeding their babies in public? Why do you say that "something like that" should be done in private? Is it because you're another perverted human who can't look at a breast without thinking about sex?
Women also commit sexual acts with their mouths, so should our mouths be covered as well? If you want to head in that direction, move to the Middle East and become a Muslim, where women are required to keep their faces covered. Breasts were given to us to feed our children, and as a happy side benefit, to please our men. But their main purpose is to give sustenance to infants.
Who are you to say that women can't nurse their babies in public? There's nothing wrong with it! The women are not baring their breasts in a lacivious manner in order to entice men; they are nursing hungry babies. Why should they have to do so in a bathroom? Bathrooms are dirty, germ-ridden environments!
You sit at a table to eat, why can't the baby eat at the table also? I've seen the way some people dive into a plate of food, without any manners at all, chewing loudly, smacking, talking with their mouths full, spraying food spittle while they're still chewing, taking bites that are too large, etc... Oh and let's not forget that godawful sound of a fork or knife being skritched across the plate. It actually, physically hurts my ears. Why should that sort of behavior be tolerated in public? People like that should be kicked out of restaurants, right?
I tell you what, if you think women should breastfeed in a bathroom, that's fine. I think close-minded perverts should eat out of my sight. So the next time you order a steak and baked potato, take it to the filthy bathroom to eat it, okay?
Women also commit sexual acts with their mouths, so should our mouths be covered as well? If you want to head in that direction, move to the Middle East and become a Muslim, where women are required to keep their faces covered. Breasts were given to us to feed our children, and as a happy side benefit, to please our men. But their main purpose is to give sustenance to infants.
Who are you to say that women can't nurse their babies in public? There's nothing wrong with it! The women are not baring their breasts in a lacivious manner in order to entice men; they are nursing hungry babies. Why should they have to do so in a bathroom? Bathrooms are dirty, germ-ridden environments!
You sit at a table to eat, why can't the baby eat at the table also? I've seen the way some people dive into a plate of food, without any manners at all, chewing loudly, smacking, talking with their mouths full, spraying food spittle while they're still chewing, taking bites that are too large, etc... Oh and let's not forget that godawful sound of a fork or knife being skritched across the plate. It actually, physically hurts my ears. Why should that sort of behavior be tolerated in public? People like that should be kicked out of restaurants, right?
I tell you what, if you think women should breastfeed in a bathroom, that's fine. I think close-minded perverts should eat out of my sight. So the next time you order a steak and baked potato, take it to the filthy bathroom to eat it, okay?
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Makeup Drivers
From Misty:
"I almost got killed the other day by this lady driving down the highway with cell phone in one hand and make-up brush in the other......in the fast lane going, like, 45 mph! I need a crabby Abby response to that!"
Dear Misty,
I feel your pain. I was once almost run down by a crazy woman in a giant Hummer who had drifted over into my lane on a two lane road. I had to swerve off the road to avoid her, and I had the kids with me! Afterward, I had to check my pants...
Too often people are trying to multitask in the car, instead of focusing on the safety of themselves and those around them. When I see women applying makeup while driving, it really irritates me. I'm perfectly capable of having a phone conversation while driving, but I try not to. I can not even imagine someone talking on the phone AND putting on makeup at the same time, while they're supposed to be driving!
How stupid are people these days? I've even seen people talking on their cell phone and holding a cigarette with the other hand, "holding" the steering wheel with their knee! OH MY GOD! You're gonna kill somebody doing that!
Wake up people! Quit being so ignorant! It is never a good idea to spread your focus too thin while piloting a giant contraption of death. Pay attention to the road, pay attention to the other idiot drivers around you, and for cripe's sake, USE YOUR BRAIN!
Surgeon General's Warning Crabby Abby's Warning: Being stupid while driving may be hazardous to your health. Quitting being stupid now greatly reduces serious risks to your health.
"I almost got killed the other day by this lady driving down the highway with cell phone in one hand and make-up brush in the other......in the fast lane going, like, 45 mph! I need a crabby Abby response to that!"
Dear Misty,
I feel your pain. I was once almost run down by a crazy woman in a giant Hummer who had drifted over into my lane on a two lane road. I had to swerve off the road to avoid her, and I had the kids with me! Afterward, I had to check my pants...
Too often people are trying to multitask in the car, instead of focusing on the safety of themselves and those around them. When I see women applying makeup while driving, it really irritates me. I'm perfectly capable of having a phone conversation while driving, but I try not to. I can not even imagine someone talking on the phone AND putting on makeup at the same time, while they're supposed to be driving!
How stupid are people these days? I've even seen people talking on their cell phone and holding a cigarette with the other hand, "holding" the steering wheel with their knee! OH MY GOD! You're gonna kill somebody doing that!
Wake up people! Quit being so ignorant! It is never a good idea to spread your focus too thin while piloting a giant contraption of death. Pay attention to the road, pay attention to the other idiot drivers around you, and for cripe's sake, USE YOUR BRAIN!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Don't Tempt Me
Dear Neighbor,
The next time you let your dog crap in my yard, I will resort to childish pranks. I won't hesitate to scoop your dog's poo into a paper sack, place it gently on your front porch, set it aflame and run away laughing my ass off.
Keep your stupid dogs on a leash and please, for the sake of your front porch, collect any deposits your canines decide to drop through the neighborhood. Do not tempt me to actually play the "flaming bag of poo" game with you; I would have too much fun doing it.
The next time you let your dog crap in my yard, I will resort to childish pranks. I won't hesitate to scoop your dog's poo into a paper sack, place it gently on your front porch, set it aflame and run away laughing my ass off.
Keep your stupid dogs on a leash and please, for the sake of your front porch, collect any deposits your canines decide to drop through the neighborhood. Do not tempt me to actually play the "flaming bag of poo" game with you; I would have too much fun doing it.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Shut Up and Melt
I've noticed that those who scream the loudest about being victims of racism are often the first to play the "race card" when it benefits them. Let me talk a little about the past, and about how we, as Americans, should deal with what happened then and now.
My Indian ancestors were raped and murdered by my English ancestors- how am I supposed to feel about that one, huh? My German ancestors tortured and murdered Jews. Am I expected to pay homage to the Jewish because of that? Some of my "white" ancestors probably raped, tortured and murdered black slaves. Another handful of my ancestors likely fought in battle and killed Mexicans.
So if we're going to go by the standard that we all individually owe someone for some wrong done in the past, then rape me, beat me, put me in chains, gas me, starve me and finally murder me. Will that make everything all better or rewrite history? I don't think so.
America is supposed to be the "melting pot" so if you want to be a true American, quit blaming others for what happened to your ancestors. Quit spewing garbage about what you "deserve" because of what was done to your ancestors. Quit demanding that groups of people owe you restitution or ANY sort of special treatment because of happened way back when.
If you want to be a TRUE American, then quit bitching about what everyone else should be doing for YOU and start thinking about what YOU should be doing for America. Quit whining about who your ancestors were and work on becoming the American you SHOULD be.
If you want to be a TRUE American, then shut your yap and start melting.
So if we're going to go by the standard that we all individually owe someone for some wrong done in the past, then rape me, beat me, put me in chains, gas me, starve me and finally murder me. Will that make everything all better or rewrite history? I don't think so.
America is supposed to be the "melting pot" so if you want to be a true American, quit blaming others for what happened to your ancestors. Quit spewing garbage about what you "deserve" because of what was done to your ancestors. Quit demanding that groups of people owe you restitution or ANY sort of special treatment because of happened way back when.
If you want to be a TRUE American, then quit bitching about what everyone else should be doing for YOU and start thinking about what YOU should be doing for America. Quit whining about who your ancestors were and work on becoming the American you SHOULD be.
If you want to be a TRUE American, then shut your yap and start melting.
Friday, March 11, 2011
How Dare You?
To all the members of Westboro Baptist Church,
You claim to be Christians and yet you're protesting at funerals of soldiers? Those soldiers DIED serving the country that GAVE you the right to protest. How stupid are you? How ignorant? How heartless? Ask my Magic 8 Ball if you're all a bunch of flaming assholes, and the magic blue cube inside will say "All signs point to yes."
If you have a problem with our brave, beloved American soldiers, then get the hell out of America.
The next time it rains, take it as a sign that God's spitting on you. Coming from a fellow "Christian", go to hell. You can protest all you want there.
You claim to be Christians and yet you're protesting at funerals of soldiers? Those soldiers DIED serving the country that GAVE you the right to protest. How stupid are you? How ignorant? How heartless? Ask my Magic 8 Ball if you're all a bunch of flaming assholes, and the magic blue cube inside will say "All signs point to yes."
If you have a problem with our brave, beloved American soldiers, then get the hell out of America.
The next time it rains, take it as a sign that God's spitting on you. Coming from a fellow "Christian", go to hell. You can protest all you want there.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
True Friendship
What makes friendships true? What makes them invaluable? A true friend won't lie to you, even to spare your feelings. I'm blessed with several friends who know what "true friendship" really means.
My true friends will be honest, whether it hurts or not, and I love that. If we were to go clothes shopping together, they would tell me, "Yes, it makes you look fat," or "That doesn't look good on you." If I've made a horrible mistake, they won't help me blame someone else, they'll say, "Boy, did you screw up!" If I complain about a problem I'm having, they don't sigh and say, "I'm sorry to hear that." They give me suggestions and tell me to get off my butt and do something about it.
My true friends won't ignore me or abandon me if I've said something stupid or bothersome. My true friends won't "unfriend" me if we have different views or opinions. They'll ignore the outburst or the opinionated rant and move on. Everyone has things that they are passionate about, and everyone's passions are different. If we abandoned our friends because of differences, no one would have friends.
A true friend knows this, and values their friends because they're different. After all, if we were all the same, it would be horribly boring.
My true friends will be honest, whether it hurts or not, and I love that. If we were to go clothes shopping together, they would tell me, "Yes, it makes you look fat," or "That doesn't look good on you." If I've made a horrible mistake, they won't help me blame someone else, they'll say, "Boy, did you screw up!" If I complain about a problem I'm having, they don't sigh and say, "I'm sorry to hear that." They give me suggestions and tell me to get off my butt and do something about it.
My true friends won't ignore me or abandon me if I've said something stupid or bothersome. My true friends won't "unfriend" me if we have different views or opinions. They'll ignore the outburst or the opinionated rant and move on. Everyone has things that they are passionate about, and everyone's passions are different. If we abandoned our friends because of differences, no one would have friends.
A true friend knows this, and values their friends because they're different. After all, if we were all the same, it would be horribly boring.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Selfish People Suck
For my first blog post, I'd like to post the original "Crabby Abby Column #1" that started this whole crabby mess!
Today I'd like to talk about common courtesy. We're all guilty of being discourteous at some point, but come on! Some people should really be filmed, then made to watch the film so they can slap themselves and say "Boy, I'm a jerk".
If it is your turn at the grocery store checkout line, and you realize you've forgotten something on your list, DO NOT leave the line to "run grab it real quick". There are other people in line! Look at that poor lady right behind you. She's just standing there with her single bottle of Afrin while you run off to Aisle 9 for a can of coffee.
The other two people behind her sigh loudly, yet you just run merrily on your way, as though their time is less valuable than yours. Get a grip, ma'am. Pay for your items, wheel your cart over to Aisle 9, grab your coffee, and get back in line like the rest of us.
And to all my lovely shoppers who take their sweet time at checkout going through five different sale papers, saying "I know I saw it in here somewhere", tsk tsk tsk. I don't have so much free time that I feel comfortable standing in line for twenty minutes while you jumble all these papers around and give that poor clerk multiple paper cuts. It's not like I'm going to turn to the shopper behind me and suggest a nice game of "I Spy" while we wait.
We understand you're shopping in a store that offers "price matching" but for pity's sake, go through your papers at home and either cut out the items, or circle them with a red marker beforehand.
Everyone has "Doh!" moments, but try to keep them to a minimum when you're around other people. Selfishness is not a good thing, despite what all those creepy "love yourself" self-help books try to tell you. And when you look behind you and see a line of shopping carts that could easily form a bridge between North America and Europe, pay for your junk and get out of everyone else's way for crying out loud!
Today I'd like to talk about common courtesy. We're all guilty of being discourteous at some point, but come on! Some people should really be filmed, then made to watch the film so they can slap themselves and say "Boy, I'm a jerk".
If it is your turn at the grocery store checkout line, and you realize you've forgotten something on your list, DO NOT leave the line to "run grab it real quick". There are other people in line! Look at that poor lady right behind you. She's just standing there with her single bottle of Afrin while you run off to Aisle 9 for a can of coffee.
The other two people behind her sigh loudly, yet you just run merrily on your way, as though their time is less valuable than yours. Get a grip, ma'am. Pay for your items, wheel your cart over to Aisle 9, grab your coffee, and get back in line like the rest of us.
And to all my lovely shoppers who take their sweet time at checkout going through five different sale papers, saying "I know I saw it in here somewhere", tsk tsk tsk. I don't have so much free time that I feel comfortable standing in line for twenty minutes while you jumble all these papers around and give that poor clerk multiple paper cuts. It's not like I'm going to turn to the shopper behind me and suggest a nice game of "I Spy" while we wait.
We understand you're shopping in a store that offers "price matching" but for pity's sake, go through your papers at home and either cut out the items, or circle them with a red marker beforehand.
Everyone has "Doh!" moments, but try to keep them to a minimum when you're around other people. Selfishness is not a good thing, despite what all those creepy "love yourself" self-help books try to tell you. And when you look behind you and see a line of shopping carts that could easily form a bridge between North America and Europe, pay for your junk and get out of everyone else's way for crying out loud!
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